A Break from the Mundane

I woke up upset today. And exhausted. Exhausted and upset.
I dawdled my morning away and then took a shower until I ran out of hot water. I then planned on walking the dogs so that I could give vent of my frustrations to God and thus add to the wind that blew the clouds across the sky.

How narcissistic.

I never made it out though. Instead, I continued to waste my day away, feeling sorry for myself.

Finally, exasperated with my own immobility and tired of feeling unhappy, I packed up a couple things that I want to/need to work on and headed out the door to Starbucks. There, I got my Orange Blossom Tea Latte with soy and vanilla (my own creation) and then sat at a table and (for lack of a better word) lived.

For hours, I sketched out an idea I need to work on, took breaks by chatting with the baristas or friends who walked in, shifted over to editing a long overdue letter once I got stuck on my drawing, and then decided it was time for me to go home after I finished that. However, I instead ran into a former co-worker and ended up talking to him for about an hour about our plans for life and how we're working at getting there. He encouraged me to make the necessary steps towards going after those goals.

After all - I'm 24, have my degree, and work at Starbucks. I have dreams and goals. It's time to go.

I just got home, feeling refreshed and enlivened, still aware that I have woes...but not dwelling on them.

Nothing reminds me of the fullness of life more than actually living it.




What a sin to sit and do nothing with the great potential of life that we have.

Our Song

Driving up the 57 freeway a few days ago, I sat talking with God, captured by the view in front of me: the bright blue sky spreading over the golden-brown hills rolling around me. The vastness. The fresh cleanness of it. It was hot outside and while the experience was familiar, it also felt new - fresh - as if I was seeing it for the very first time. It brought back memories of seeing North Africa for the first time. There was no distinct emotional reaction, simply an acceptance of being.

My heart ached slightly and I knew I was alone...

The music playing started to a new song. I don't normally listen to Future of Forestry, but I'd had a hankering to since early that morning, so that's what I was doing. A song with beautiful guitar started and but I was half-distracted from the lyrics by my own thoughts and the view in front of me. However, the lyrics caught me, pulling me from thinking over the conversation I'd had with Abba a few moments earlier. It was one of those, "Wait - what?" moments. A quick glance - the song was called, "If You Find Her." *Replay*

She won't falter easy, she'll be careful, she'll be coy
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
But still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...

If you find her, tell her that I love her
If she hears you, ask her heart to come
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...

At the break of morning, the day awaits her when she sleeps
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
Deep inside her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...

If you find her, tell her that I love her
If she hears you, ask her heart to come
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...

A catch in my throat and the tears fell down my face. In this alone-ness, I felt God whisper to my heart, "this is you."
I am alone for now - no prospects near me, with many of my loved ones away (although even in this "lack" I am so incredibly blessed with what He has given me). Yet, I am coming to a realization of things I already knew: when you have nothing left - there is nothing left to lose. In having nothing left to lose, I have nothing left to distract myself from the filling love of Christ. Now is a time for me to be with Him - to let Him pour His love into me as I try my feeble best to return.
Mother Theresa said that if you love to the point of pain, then there can be no more pain - only more love. The stripping away hurts like none other (I'm reminded of Eugene having his dragon scales clawed off of him by Aslan in order to free him to his real human-self in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader), but the simplicity of pure life is so much better than all the complex trappings I could ever distract myself with.

So, here I sit now - in front of my computer a few days later, doing my best to write about where I am right now. I'm alone, but so very not. I'm in a place where my "job" is to listen, receive, and be surrounded by Abba's healing love. And THEN, dear ones, I can pour that out to those around me.

Like a Foghorn in the Dark

I've been there. Maybe you've been there too. Maybe you're there now: a point in your life where you have no idea where you're going or what you're supposed to be doing. We pray for direction in life. We pray, "God, tell me what you want. Show me where you want me to go. Just tell me!" We pray for something like the Israelites had - obvious direction in the form of pillars of fire or cloud.


I experienced and continue to experience this since leaving for college. I wanted to be so very sure of where God wanted me to go. I actually had anxiety over "getting it wrong" (as if God would punish me for not following Him "right"). I prayed but felt no sure direction of where I was supposed to go. So, as I waited, opportunities passed me by and God shut doors. I went to a junior college I swore I'd never go to. *Surprisingly*, God grew and stretched me there. Then came the time to transfer. Again I prayed and this time God made it obviously clear where He wanted me to go. So, I went. I didn't know what my purpose was for going there, but it was enough for me to know that I was going where I was meant to be. Upon graduating I faced the issue of still not knowing why I went to the university that I did. What was the great purpose? Even more muddle-some, I didn't know what to do with my life after graduating. So, I moved home, got a job to pay the bills, and have been figuring it out ever since.

I'm learning that in the process of not knowing what to do, God still directs me. He gently moves me where He will as I stay in communication, desperately returning to Him because - to be frankly honest - what I call a "lack of direction" drives me up the wall. We want purpose in our lives. Rather, we want to know what we're supposed to do. Once, in sharing my frustration with a friend, he responded that he had another friend like me - not sure of direction or purpose, and then he added, "I'm the kind of person who would make up my own direction if I didn't have any, though. I would go mad without any direction."
Why do we have such a hard time sitting still?


So many times in our lives, we get upset when we don't know what we're supposed to be doing or don't know where we're supposed to be going. We feel like we're paddling in the dark on an ocean surrounded by fog, desperately listening for the sound of the lighthouse horn.


Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

We forget that while the Israelites had pillars to lead them by day and night - they still didn't know where they were going the next day.

Uncertainty keeps us from doing things in our own power and instead forces us to rely on God. The reason? There is no other option. Either we are completely with God, or we can walk away and say, "forget it." And if we say that we want to be with God, then we struggle through in communication with Him. The blessing is this: instead of working to do something great for God - as if we could ever earn His blessings, favor, or love that we so desperately and deeply want to be told, "you deserve this" - we instead work with Him. The focus shifts from ourselves to Him. It becomes about the work HE is doing as He blesses us in the opportunity to be used by Him. It's almost like the wonderful invitation we all craved as children from our best friends, "Do you want to come play?"
In being never able to work on our own, we are stripped from the ability to work in our own power. Thus, we are never able to earn love. It is simply given to us. Even the opportunity to be used by God to bless a dying world around us is an expression of unmerited mercy and grace.


Maybe we don't need to know what's going to happen tomorrow or where we're going anyway - as if we could ever really know that. Maybe it's enough for us to follow that pillar of fire, that could of lighting, to listen for that metaphorical sound of the lighthouse in the foggy night - and to simply follow Him one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment by moment...not really sure of where we're going, but absolutely sure that we're with Him wherever we go.


That's what relationship is, after all.

Slide

It seems I'm right at where I was before I left for North Africa...before I even knew I was going to North Africa...falling right into the pattern of self-complacency that I found myself so very entrenched in back in January.

A month after returning home and the pain and confusion (from processing the trip, missing a country that isn't really my home, and losing my grandpa) is finally easing up and what do I do? I return to my old habits of simply coasting. It's like I turn on the cruise control and tell God that I'll "get back to Him later...when I have time." And then I justify or ease my guilt by telling myself, "He's my Abba. He loves me. He understands." (And He does, but that doesn't make my behavior "okay.")

Ugh. I disgust myself. And it breaks my heart. I pray that He won't let me get away from Him - and if it takes more heartache to be in a place where I realize my absolute dependence on Him...well, that's not something I'd wish for - but so be it.

We sang a song tonight in church that was so appropriate. "In the Light" by DC Talk:

(Verse 1)
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

(Chorus)
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light

(Verse 2)
The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer that's fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
Honesty becomes me - there's nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me - in Your presence are diffused
Pride has no position - and riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me - has been sentenced to this earth
Has been sentenced to this earth

Tell me what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light

* * *

Abba-Father, I need you now just as much as ever.

Appology

Dear Blog of Mine,

Sorry you've felt neglected. It wasn't you, I promise. It was me.
I've just had a lot going on...a lot to process...to think about and feel and mull over. (I'm being redundant, I know.) But I think I'm starting to get to a point where I'm ready to start writing here again. I felt the urge last night - so we both know that's a good sign! In the meantime, sorry I've been absent. Don't worry though, I still think you're nifty. See you soon (hopefully).

Sincerely,
Your Writer

March

Some time around junior high I remember visiting a place akin to Heritage Park in San Diego and touring an old Victorian home. (Perhaps it was the Christian Home there. I really don't remember.) The thing that stood out to me the most was that the home still displayed the wedding photo of the lady of the house. Shortly before she married, her sister unexpectedly died. In remembrance and honor of her, the woman had two black stripes placed on each sleeve of her wedding dress to signify mourning during what would have otherwise been such a joyous occasion.



I returned home yesterday after two amazing weeks of being out of country, during which I experienced how much God desperately, deeply loves His people. After sharing some of my stories of the trip over breakfast, I was told that while I was gone my grandpa had an accident and died. The grave-side service was last week.

I feel much like that bride.

Emotionally, I feel filled with this chaotic mixture of excitement and expectation combined with deep grief and a sense of loss. Yet, when I think about it I also can't escape how much death is like a wedding. Scriptures describe Christ as a bridegroom and we, his people, as his bride. We march down the aisle of life to meet him at the alter where he takes us and lovingly joins us for all eternity. We all die. What a blessing that my grandpa had Christ to meet him at the end of his march.

When describing him, I often said, "My grandpa is a super hero." To be honest, aside from how many times he cheated death, he lived a quiet life. But he left a great legacy. My grandpa was a giant among men with how well he loved.
Grandpa loved his farm (where he died).
He loved his trees.
He loved animals.
He loved God.
He loved his family - children and grandchildren.
He very much loved his wife.
He loved telling stories and sharing his knowledge.
He loved to laugh.
He had an unquenchable sense of curiosity for the world around him. He loved life.

Grandpa always had a twinkle in his eye and a smart aleck response ready for anyone and everyone around him. He had rough, strong hands after years of working in his orchard that readily clasped for a hug. He was an ornery old coot who did things just to get a response from people. He loved practical jokes. He was a father to many of us. And he will be dearly missed.

Yet, as one who also walks down the aisle towards death and the ultimate, loving uniting with Christ, I know that I will see him again some day in a time when all our tears are wiped away. In the meantime, in joyful, brokenhearted expectation, I march.

She said. So I'm doing.

A few weeks ago I stopped by the church to drop off a pound of coffee to my college pastor as a "surprise." The surprise seemed to be on me, though, because when I got there everybody had left for lunch. The idea was presented before me to go leave the beans with the church secretary to deliver.

I walked up the stairs, opened the door into the office and almost immediately exclaimed, "Sweet Peas!" She had a lovely bouquet sitting on the ledge and we almost immediately started talking about flowers...and then coffee...and then trips we're going on this summer... my involvement with the college group...and then she asked me what my dreams are. Seriously, I barely knew this woman and she wanted to know what my heart looked like...so I shared with her! At the end of our conversation, she told me that I should talk to another woman in the church about my passions for art (networking) and to write this all down. According to her, if I don't write it down, my dreams and ideas will stay at just that - dreams and ideas. I'm not sure I agreed with her fully, since these thus said things have been in my mind and on my heart (relatively unchanged) for a year now, but she seemed like a kind, wise woman. She also asked me for my name and told me that she'd be praying for me. So, here I am, taking her advice. Nancy, this is for you. :)

Becca's Dreams:
~ I want to write. Not only do I want to write, but I want to be published. And I want to write meaningful things that encourage or challenge others toward growth. I have two main heroes, authorically speaking: C.S. Lewis because the man was brilliant and because of the impact that he made/had on modern Christian thought; and Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz, a book honestly written and which helped me get through some really dark times in my life. I love his writing style, and it helped me realize that I wasn't alone in my struggle. When those around me at church were unable to speak to me, God used his book to fill in their place. I also want others to know that they're not alone in their pain and their questioning.
(Two things: I know that "authorically" isn't a word, but I like it and it makes me happy. Hehe. Also, I have this secret dream that maybe Donald Miller and I would be friends if we ever met.)

~ Since the age of about 7, I've dreamed of the Red Carpet. I went to school and became a Theatre major with this ultimate goal in mind. After facing drama (not the kind on stage) and dealing with the politics of the department, I decided to take "a break" from the whole thing. I was just burned out. I currently still sit with doubts as to whether I could actually survive in the industry (I'm a sensitive soul and don't want to change the way that I look so that I can get roles), but something in my heart still longs for it. I got to get a taste of acting again when I took a roll in a grad student film at Chapman U., and it's left me hungry for more.
I'd like to start auditioning. This is such a huge mission-field in the secular realm; and such a potentially powerful means through which to express our God-freed voices, if we can work past the cliche mediocrity that we face now.

~ My last semester at school, I decided to take a class with a professor simply because I'd heard that he was amazing. "Beauty and the Christian Life" seemed like a really cool class anyway. I really had no idea.
The class almost completely changed my paradigm...awakening a realization about my passion for art and beauty, for the church, and for people. (This realization was subsidized by my Christian Heritage class.)
What it comes down to is this: as a theatrically trained artist; with giftings, passions, or at least appreciation for fine art, dance, the written word, and dramatic representation; I have a huge desire in my heart to see the aesthetic of worship within the church setting to grow beyond what is oral (and by this I mean what is spoken, read, or sung). Words are hugely important, but I think that we are really missing out on the power of what good art can do when harnessed to convey the beauty of the Gospel. Currently, my dream is to join a church where I could work alongside a worship leader in order to collaborate about creating a worship space where the congregation is exposed to the multifaceted nature of God's character.

~ I'd also like to continue swing dancing, improving to a level where I can start competing.

~ I've thought about grad school: writing (creative or analytical/research), acting (perhaps within a conservatory), and seminary.
For the past year, I've been leaning towards the third out of that list. Fuller Seminary offers an MA in Worship, Arts, and Theology - basically a theology degree for artists. My next step is to look into the school, consider the cost (and amount of debt I'll wind up with), and then decide if it's truly worth it.

We'll just have to see...