I started listening to Christmas music today. I made a really great station that combines contemporary songs, classic carols, hymns, and worship music. In my mind, it does a good job at capturing the excitement of Christmas. I had a small epiphany the other day that Christmas is not just one day - it's a season. So, I want to celebrate everyday of it.
My brother, Jon, pointed out to me a few minutes ago that today is also the first day of Advent - that season where we celebrate the coming birth of Christ in the Church calender. The fittingness of it just leaves me with a smile on my face at how God orchestrates even the simple things that bless our hearts...and all for His glory. Jon encouraged me to look up Jeremiah 33:14-16.
I then found this.
In further searching on Advent, I discovered that the lighting of the first candle is to represent Hope.
What a wonderful season of joyful expectation for promises made and kept.
And here's something to contemplate. It's initially a little hard to sit through because of the silence, but I think that's a good thing. My soul could use a little quieting every now and again.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Trot, prance, fly, marvel ...alive
Last night, I tried to get some journaling done at Starbucks but got distracted by what ended up being a conversation held with some friends for about 90 minutes. Our conversation finally ended not because we ran out of things to talk about, but because we were sitting outside and it started to rain. The rain reminded us all that we had other things we were "supposed" to be doing. As we scattered, one of them apologized for keeping me from getting my work done. I said it was alright because - honestly - I'd get distracted if I were home too. I prefer, though, to be interrupted by the interaction with real life, as opposed to wasting my life away doing something numbing like incessantly surfing Facebook.
I'm dog sitting this weekend and this morning I set out to take Lucy and Trotsky on a walk. The rain continued off and on, but left me with a waiting, cloudy sky for the duration of our walk. I realized that although I love the rain, it's been a while since I've actually been in it. There's something about being outside that allows one to experience the full magic and beauty of a rainy day. As we walked, gusts of wind blew the trees, sending small, but fierce showers down on whatever might be nearby. The clouds hung in steely blue and even the air held the smell of rain. I took the dogs down to the park near the neighborhood and we walked around the baseball field. My rainboots made delightful sloppy, squishing sounds in the wet grass as I watched the dogs splash through puddles.
In the outfield, Trotsky suddenly burst into so much excited energy that he started racing around in frenzied circles, unable to contain himself or his happiness at...I don't know what. Perhaps his delight simply came from being a dog on a rainy day in a great field for running in. I kept him on the extended leash at first and let him race around and around like a powerful kite. Finally, though, I decided that I was putting my arm at risk for being dislocated with some of the quick jerks and tugs he made, so I let him off the leash. I wish I could express what a joy it was to watch him. A Saluki - a sort of Egyptian greyhound - he was made to run, but "run" might be an understatement. He raced as fast as he could in large circles around me, occasionally prancing to a halt to wait for me to egg him on. Then, he'd tear off again or perhaps make rushes at Lucy in attempts at antagonizing her into play. (She's old and didn't feel much like running.) Gracefully jumping through the air, the feathers on his legs, tail, and long ears made it seem even more like he had wings and was flying. I laughed, cheered him on, rushed at him to keep him from harassing Lucy too much, and also rubbed Lucy's ears and neck to keep her from feeling neglected. When I finally put him back on his leash, his legs and underbelly were soaked.
I learned a lesson from this dog - simply delighting in being alive and in the world on a day like today.
Walking back, feeling the warmth of my body in my jacket contrasted with the cold wind chilling my face - blowing through my hair, tussling and curling it - I understood how Elizabeth Bennet must have felt when she took her walk through the wet fields to see her sister at Mr. Bingly's. She arrived, much to the horror of the other ladies, a "mess" but filled with exuberant life after tactually experiencing the beauty of the world around her. I thought also of how C.S. Lewis experienced the world around him - with a sense of awe and mystery, convinced that the magical beauty around him pointed to an absolute Creator God.
Walking back, I rejoiced at a God who would interrupt me with conversations of theology and laughter and bless me with walks of beauty and life.
In the outfield, Trotsky suddenly burst into so much excited energy that he started racing around in frenzied circles, unable to contain himself or his happiness at...I don't know what. Perhaps his delight simply came from being a dog on a rainy day in a great field for running in. I kept him on the extended leash at first and let him race around and around like a powerful kite. Finally, though, I decided that I was putting my arm at risk for being dislocated with some of the quick jerks and tugs he made, so I let him off the leash. I wish I could express what a joy it was to watch him. A Saluki - a sort of Egyptian greyhound - he was made to run, but "run" might be an understatement. He raced as fast as he could in large circles around me, occasionally prancing to a halt to wait for me to egg him on. Then, he'd tear off again or perhaps make rushes at Lucy in attempts at antagonizing her into play. (She's old and didn't feel much like running.) Gracefully jumping through the air, the feathers on his legs, tail, and long ears made it seem even more like he had wings and was flying. I laughed, cheered him on, rushed at him to keep him from harassing Lucy too much, and also rubbed Lucy's ears and neck to keep her from feeling neglected. When I finally put him back on his leash, his legs and underbelly were soaked.
I learned a lesson from this dog - simply delighting in being alive and in the world on a day like today.
Walking back, feeling the warmth of my body in my jacket contrasted with the cold wind chilling my face - blowing through my hair, tussling and curling it - I understood how Elizabeth Bennet must have felt when she took her walk through the wet fields to see her sister at Mr. Bingly's. She arrived, much to the horror of the other ladies, a "mess" but filled with exuberant life after tactually experiencing the beauty of the world around her. I thought also of how C.S. Lewis experienced the world around him - with a sense of awe and mystery, convinced that the magical beauty around him pointed to an absolute Creator God.
Walking back, I rejoiced at a God who would interrupt me with conversations of theology and laughter and bless me with walks of beauty and life.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Break from the Mundane
I woke up upset today. And exhausted. Exhausted and upset.
I dawdled my morning away and then took a shower until I ran out of hot water. I then planned on walking the dogs so that I could give vent of my frustrations to God and thus add to the wind that blew the clouds across the sky.
How narcissistic.
I never made it out though. Instead, I continued to waste my day away, feeling sorry for myself.
Finally, exasperated with my own immobility and tired of feeling unhappy, I packed up a couple things that I want to/need to work on and headed out the door to Starbucks. There, I got my Orange Blossom Tea Latte with soy and vanilla (my own creation) and then sat at a table and (for lack of a better word) lived.
For hours, I sketched out an idea I need to work on, took breaks by chatting with the baristas or friends who walked in, shifted over to editing a long overdue letter once I got stuck on my drawing, and then decided it was time for me to go home after I finished that. However, I instead ran into a former co-worker and ended up talking to him for about an hour about our plans for life and how we're working at getting there. He encouraged me to make the necessary steps towards going after those goals.
After all - I'm 24, have my degree, and work at Starbucks. I have dreams and goals. It's time to go.
I just got home, feeling refreshed and enlivened, still aware that I have woes...but not dwelling on them.
Nothing reminds me of the fullness of life more than actually living it.
What a sin to sit and do nothing with the great potential of life that we have.
I dawdled my morning away and then took a shower until I ran out of hot water. I then planned on walking the dogs so that I could give vent of my frustrations to God and thus add to the wind that blew the clouds across the sky.
How narcissistic.
I never made it out though. Instead, I continued to waste my day away, feeling sorry for myself.
Finally, exasperated with my own immobility and tired of feeling unhappy, I packed up a couple things that I want to/need to work on and headed out the door to Starbucks. There, I got my Orange Blossom Tea Latte with soy and vanilla (my own creation) and then sat at a table and (for lack of a better word) lived.
For hours, I sketched out an idea I need to work on, took breaks by chatting with the baristas or friends who walked in, shifted over to editing a long overdue letter once I got stuck on my drawing, and then decided it was time for me to go home after I finished that. However, I instead ran into a former co-worker and ended up talking to him for about an hour about our plans for life and how we're working at getting there. He encouraged me to make the necessary steps towards going after those goals.
After all - I'm 24, have my degree, and work at Starbucks. I have dreams and goals. It's time to go.
I just got home, feeling refreshed and enlivened, still aware that I have woes...but not dwelling on them.
Nothing reminds me of the fullness of life more than actually living it.
What a sin to sit and do nothing with the great potential of life that we have.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Our Song
Driving up the 57 freeway a few days ago, I sat talking with God, captured by the view in front of me: the bright blue sky spreading over the golden-brown hills rolling around me. The vastness. The fresh cleanness of it. It was hot outside and while the experience was familiar, it also felt new - fresh - as if I was seeing it for the very first time. It brought back memories of seeing North Africa for the first time. There was no distinct emotional reaction, simply an acceptance of being.
My heart ached slightly and I knew I was alone...
The music playing started to a new song. I don't normally listen to Future of Forestry, but I'd had a hankering to since early that morning, so that's what I was doing. A song with beautiful guitar started and but I was half-distracted from the lyrics by my own thoughts and the view in front of me. However, the lyrics caught me, pulling me from thinking over the conversation I'd had with Abba a few moments earlier. It was one of those, "Wait - what?" moments. A quick glance - the song was called, "If You Find Her." *Replay*
She won't falter easy, she'll be careful, she'll be coy
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
But still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
If you find her, tell her that I love her
If she hears you, ask her heart to come
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
At the break of morning, the day awaits her when she sleeps
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
Deep inside her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
If you find her, tell her that I love her
If she hears you, ask her heart to come
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
A catch in my throat and the tears fell down my face. In this alone-ness, I felt God whisper to my heart, "this is you."
I am alone for now - no prospects near me, with many of my loved ones away (although even in this "lack" I am so incredibly blessed with what He has given me). Yet, I am coming to a realization of things I already knew: when you have nothing left - there is nothing left to lose. In having nothing left to lose, I have nothing left to distract myself from the filling love of Christ. Now is a time for me to be with Him - to let Him pour His love into me as I try my feeble best to return.
Mother Theresa said that if you love to the point of pain, then there can be no more pain - only more love. The stripping away hurts like none other (I'm reminded of Eugene having his dragon scales clawed off of him by Aslan in order to free him to his real human-self in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader), but the simplicity of pure life is so much better than all the complex trappings I could ever distract myself with.
So, here I sit now - in front of my computer a few days later, doing my best to write about where I am right now. I'm alone, but so very not. I'm in a place where my "job" is to listen, receive, and be surrounded by Abba's healing love. And THEN, dear ones, I can pour that out to those around me.
My heart ached slightly and I knew I was alone...
The music playing started to a new song. I don't normally listen to Future of Forestry, but I'd had a hankering to since early that morning, so that's what I was doing. A song with beautiful guitar started and but I was half-distracted from the lyrics by my own thoughts and the view in front of me. However, the lyrics caught me, pulling me from thinking over the conversation I'd had with Abba a few moments earlier. It was one of those, "Wait - what?" moments. A quick glance - the song was called, "If You Find Her." *Replay*
She won't falter easy, she'll be careful, she'll be coy
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
But still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
If you find her, tell her that I love her
If she hears you, ask her heart to come
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
At the break of morning, the day awaits her when she sleeps
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
Deep inside her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
If you find her, tell her that I love her
If she hears you, ask her heart to come
Mmmm-mmm-mmmmm...
A catch in my throat and the tears fell down my face. In this alone-ness, I felt God whisper to my heart, "this is you."
I am alone for now - no prospects near me, with many of my loved ones away (although even in this "lack" I am so incredibly blessed with what He has given me). Yet, I am coming to a realization of things I already knew: when you have nothing left - there is nothing left to lose. In having nothing left to lose, I have nothing left to distract myself from the filling love of Christ. Now is a time for me to be with Him - to let Him pour His love into me as I try my feeble best to return.
Mother Theresa said that if you love to the point of pain, then there can be no more pain - only more love. The stripping away hurts like none other (I'm reminded of Eugene having his dragon scales clawed off of him by Aslan in order to free him to his real human-self in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader), but the simplicity of pure life is so much better than all the complex trappings I could ever distract myself with.
So, here I sit now - in front of my computer a few days later, doing my best to write about where I am right now. I'm alone, but so very not. I'm in a place where my "job" is to listen, receive, and be surrounded by Abba's healing love. And THEN, dear ones, I can pour that out to those around me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Like a Foghorn in the Dark
I've been there. Maybe you've been there too. Maybe you're there now: a point in your life where you have no idea where you're going or what you're supposed to be doing. We pray for direction in life. We pray, "God, tell me what you want. Show me where you want me to go. Just tell me!" We pray for something like the Israelites had - obvious direction in the form of pillars of fire or cloud.
I experienced and continue to experience this since leaving for college. I wanted to be so very sure of where God wanted me to go. I actually had anxiety over "getting it wrong" (as if God would punish me for not following Him "right"). I prayed but felt no sure direction of where I was supposed to go. So, as I waited, opportunities passed me by and God shut doors. I went to a junior college I swore I'd never go to. *Surprisingly*, God grew and stretched me there. Then came the time to transfer. Again I prayed and this time God made it obviously clear where He wanted me to go. So, I went. I didn't know what my purpose was for going there, but it was enough for me to know that I was going where I was meant to be. Upon graduating I faced the issue of still not knowing why I went to the university that I did. What was the great purpose? Even more muddle-some, I didn't know what to do with my life after graduating. So, I moved home, got a job to pay the bills, and have been figuring it out ever since.
I'm learning that in the process of not knowing what to do, God still directs me. He gently moves me where He will as I stay in communication, desperately returning to Him because - to be frankly honest - what I call a "lack of direction" drives me up the wall. We want purpose in our lives. Rather, we want to know what we're supposed to do. Once, in sharing my frustration with a friend, he responded that he had another friend like me - not sure of direction or purpose, and then he added, "I'm the kind of person who would make up my own direction if I didn't have any, though. I would go mad without any direction."
Why do we have such a hard time sitting still?
So many times in our lives, we get upset when we don't know what we're supposed to be doing or don't know where we're supposed to be going. We feel like we're paddling in the dark on an ocean surrounded by fog, desperately listening for the sound of the lighthouse horn.
Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
We forget that while the Israelites had pillars to lead them by day and night - they still didn't know where they were going the next day.
Uncertainty keeps us from doing things in our own power and instead forces us to rely on God. The reason? There is no other option. Either we are completely with God, or we can walk away and say, "forget it." And if we say that we want to be with God, then we struggle through in communication with Him. The blessing is this: instead of working to do something great for God - as if we could ever earn His blessings, favor, or love that we so desperately and deeply want to be told, "you deserve this" - we instead work with Him. The focus shifts from ourselves to Him. It becomes about the work HE is doing as He blesses us in the opportunity to be used by Him. It's almost like the wonderful invitation we all craved as children from our best friends, "Do you want to come play?"
In being never able to work on our own, we are stripped from the ability to work in our own power. Thus, we are never able to earn love. It is simply given to us. Even the opportunity to be used by God to bless a dying world around us is an expression of unmerited mercy and grace.
Maybe we don't need to know what's going to happen tomorrow or where we're going anyway - as if we could ever really know that. Maybe it's enough for us to follow that pillar of fire, that could of lighting, to listen for that metaphorical sound of the lighthouse in the foggy night - and to simply follow Him one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment by moment...not really sure of where we're going, but absolutely sure that we're with Him wherever we go.
That's what relationship is, after all.
I experienced and continue to experience this since leaving for college. I wanted to be so very sure of where God wanted me to go. I actually had anxiety over "getting it wrong" (as if God would punish me for not following Him "right"). I prayed but felt no sure direction of where I was supposed to go. So, as I waited, opportunities passed me by and God shut doors. I went to a junior college I swore I'd never go to. *Surprisingly*, God grew and stretched me there. Then came the time to transfer. Again I prayed and this time God made it obviously clear where He wanted me to go. So, I went. I didn't know what my purpose was for going there, but it was enough for me to know that I was going where I was meant to be. Upon graduating I faced the issue of still not knowing why I went to the university that I did. What was the great purpose? Even more muddle-some, I didn't know what to do with my life after graduating. So, I moved home, got a job to pay the bills, and have been figuring it out ever since.
I'm learning that in the process of not knowing what to do, God still directs me. He gently moves me where He will as I stay in communication, desperately returning to Him because - to be frankly honest - what I call a "lack of direction" drives me up the wall. We want purpose in our lives. Rather, we want to know what we're supposed to do. Once, in sharing my frustration with a friend, he responded that he had another friend like me - not sure of direction or purpose, and then he added, "I'm the kind of person who would make up my own direction if I didn't have any, though. I would go mad without any direction."
Why do we have such a hard time sitting still?
So many times in our lives, we get upset when we don't know what we're supposed to be doing or don't know where we're supposed to be going. We feel like we're paddling in the dark on an ocean surrounded by fog, desperately listening for the sound of the lighthouse horn.
Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
We forget that while the Israelites had pillars to lead them by day and night - they still didn't know where they were going the next day.
Uncertainty keeps us from doing things in our own power and instead forces us to rely on God. The reason? There is no other option. Either we are completely with God, or we can walk away and say, "forget it." And if we say that we want to be with God, then we struggle through in communication with Him. The blessing is this: instead of working to do something great for God - as if we could ever earn His blessings, favor, or love that we so desperately and deeply want to be told, "you deserve this" - we instead work with Him. The focus shifts from ourselves to Him. It becomes about the work HE is doing as He blesses us in the opportunity to be used by Him. It's almost like the wonderful invitation we all craved as children from our best friends, "Do you want to come play?"
In being never able to work on our own, we are stripped from the ability to work in our own power. Thus, we are never able to earn love. It is simply given to us. Even the opportunity to be used by God to bless a dying world around us is an expression of unmerited mercy and grace.
Maybe we don't need to know what's going to happen tomorrow or where we're going anyway - as if we could ever really know that. Maybe it's enough for us to follow that pillar of fire, that could of lighting, to listen for that metaphorical sound of the lighthouse in the foggy night - and to simply follow Him one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment by moment...not really sure of where we're going, but absolutely sure that we're with Him wherever we go.
That's what relationship is, after all.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Slide
It seems I'm right at where I was before I left for North Africa...before I even knew I was going to North Africa...falling right into the pattern of self-complacency that I found myself so very entrenched in back in January.
A month after returning home and the pain and confusion (from processing the trip, missing a country that isn't really my home, and losing my grandpa) is finally easing up and what do I do? I return to my old habits of simply coasting. It's like I turn on the cruise control and tell God that I'll "get back to Him later...when I have time." And then I justify or ease my guilt by telling myself, "He's my Abba. He loves me. He understands." (And He does, but that doesn't make my behavior "okay.")
Ugh. I disgust myself. And it breaks my heart. I pray that He won't let me get away from Him - and if it takes more heartache to be in a place where I realize my absolute dependence on Him...well, that's not something I'd wish for - but so be it.
We sang a song tonight in church that was so appropriate. "In the Light" by DC Talk:
(Verse 1)
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
(Chorus)
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
(Verse 2)
The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer that's fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
(Chorus)
(Verse 3)
Honesty becomes me - there's nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me - in Your presence are diffused
Pride has no position - and riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me - has been sentenced to this earth
Has been sentenced to this earth
Tell me what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
* * *
Abba-Father, I need you now just as much as ever.
A month after returning home and the pain and confusion (from processing the trip, missing a country that isn't really my home, and losing my grandpa) is finally easing up and what do I do? I return to my old habits of simply coasting. It's like I turn on the cruise control and tell God that I'll "get back to Him later...when I have time." And then I justify or ease my guilt by telling myself, "He's my Abba. He loves me. He understands." (And He does, but that doesn't make my behavior "okay.")
Ugh. I disgust myself. And it breaks my heart. I pray that He won't let me get away from Him - and if it takes more heartache to be in a place where I realize my absolute dependence on Him...well, that's not something I'd wish for - but so be it.
We sang a song tonight in church that was so appropriate. "In the Light" by DC Talk:
(Verse 1)
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
(Chorus)
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
(Verse 2)
The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer that's fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
(Chorus)
(Verse 3)
Honesty becomes me - there's nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me - in Your presence are diffused
Pride has no position - and riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me - has been sentenced to this earth
Has been sentenced to this earth
Tell me what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
* * *
Abba-Father, I need you now just as much as ever.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Appology
Dear Blog of Mine,
Sorry you've felt neglected. It wasn't you, I promise. It was me.
I've just had a lot going on...a lot to process...to think about and feel and mull over. (I'm being redundant, I know.) But I think I'm starting to get to a point where I'm ready to start writing here again. I felt the urge last night - so we both know that's a good sign! In the meantime, sorry I've been absent. Don't worry though, I still think you're nifty. See you soon (hopefully).
Sincerely,
Your Writer
Sorry you've felt neglected. It wasn't you, I promise. It was me.
I've just had a lot going on...a lot to process...to think about and feel and mull over. (I'm being redundant, I know.) But I think I'm starting to get to a point where I'm ready to start writing here again. I felt the urge last night - so we both know that's a good sign! In the meantime, sorry I've been absent. Don't worry though, I still think you're nifty. See you soon (hopefully).
Sincerely,
Your Writer
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
