Brown gem

A few weeks ago I stood in the front yard in the afternoon, dead-heading the roses and royally beating myself up. Doubts and criticisms swirled in my head. "I'm twenty-five and still living at home. I graduated college, got my degree, and now work in a coffee shop. What am I doing with my life?" Memories of voices told me, "You have so much potential...and what are you doing with it?"

"When am I going to be more independent?"
"Why am I not 'there' yet?"
"My brother just graduated, lives on his own, has a well-paying full-time job that is helping him go to grad school. Why can't I be more like him?"
"What's taking me so long?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why am I such a loser?"

My despair grew as I plucked off the dead flower heads. I felt absolutely lost. I felt like crying in my lostness and at the pinnacle of it, I looked to my right. There, suspended in mid-air was a hummingbird. Not a flying gem of a male, but a more subdued female. She was absolutely beautiful. The minute detail to her body was incredible and she also busied herself with the roses before us. She didn't need to be colorful or flashy to hold beauty or have purpose. Her beauty came from her mere existence. I felt as though God had sent her as an encouragement just for me. In the midst of me fighting, God decided to speak to my heart by showing me something beautiful.

I couldn't place words to it (and even now, my doing so is a stretch), but I felt my heart quiet into peace in the moments while she hovered - finally zipping away into the sky. Somehow, her presence let me know that everything was okay.

"Feed the birds..."

I love it when I see God providing for me in small ways that carry deep meaning...

I've had what I refer to as a "tight budget" lately. I've been combating stress over it and striving to "cast it upon" God, as 1 Peter 5:7 says to do. (The context of this verse is that of suffering, but I am captured by the idea of "casting" my cares upon Christ - as opposed to simply "dropping them" or "handing them over." "Cast" has a force behind it which makes it hard to retrieve.)

God reminds me of His faithfulness. Praise Him for it - I need the reminders:
This week I didn't have to buy lunch even once. I didn't go hungry either. Food was provided to me for free in ways that I didn't expect. What a wonderful surprise!

Jesus' words delightfully penetrated my thoughts at the end of this week. The reminder in my brain was a paraphrase, but here is the verse itself: "Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" (Luke 12:24).

As I face the stress of moving out, transferring to a new job, starting back up with school, and wondering how in the world I'm going to afford/manage my "new" life, I am comforted with a relationship with a God who keeps track even of the sparrows...and cares for me so much more.

About Fuller

The letter came yesterday.

I got in!

It's two pages long and I didn't read much past the initial word of, "Congratulations!" I just started screaming and jumping up and down. In the process, I crumpled and ripped the letter a tiny bit, but that's okay. Of course, giggling was involved and a couple...a few...several excited phone calls.

I actually just read the letter a few minutes ago. There are some important details in there, but nothing for me to really worry about.

My largest concern is how I'm going to afford going. However, my friend Jessi reminded me that this is the degree that I need to get in order to do what I want to do. There isn't really much of an alternative. Also, I think this is where God is calling me. My dad gave me a helpful reminder that if this is where God is leading me, then He will provide the resources for me to go there.

Okay, He's a big God. He made the earth and all of creation. He numbered the stars and knows how many hairs are on my head. He knows my dreams, desires, fears, and worries...and holds my heart in His ever capable, trustworthy, loving hand...
He can provide the finances for me to go to school.

Back to school...the dream.

Last night I dreamed I went back to high school in order to further pursue my education. Consider it a super "fresh start" toward getting another/new major. (I explained to a few "fellow students" and my guidance counselor that I actually had already graduated from college and was in the process of getting my masters...I just also wanted to broaden my education....) It was registration day/my first day and when I looked at my schedule I saw Trigonometry and Economics 6 (among others). "Dang it," I thought, "That's what I get for taking all those AP classes my senior year."

Oh, but the library in my dream was pretty cool.

I just hit the "Submit" button for my grad school application!

Oh man, I am sooooo excited right now! I finally finished my essays for grad school and then submitted the application! My mom (one of my three proof-readers) then declared, "And now for the happy dance!" We've been "happy dancing" since then. (For me, this looks like a lot of jumping up and down, throwing my fists up into the air, and spinning in circles while excitedly squealing. Basically, it's like I'm three.) :D

(I suppose I resemble the image on the left over that on the right. Hehe.)

These essays have been a long time coming. So, after all that work, I think I will post them here. So, here you have it - my application essays for admittance into Fuller Seminary. What happens from here, only God knows. :)


A. Reflect on your past Christian experience, including the most significant spiritual event/influence in your life, the role of Christ in your religious experience, the effect your faith has on your worldview, your involvement in Christian service, your perceived gifts/calling for ministry, and your reason(s) for attending your church.

My Christian experience might be best described as an epic journey – an organic adventure filled with important landmarks and passages along the way. I was raised in a Christian family and accepted Christ as my savior at an early age. My parents’ divorce shattered the world as I knew it and I subsequently spent much of my childhood living in fear of God’s wrath. Yet, by God’s mercy, I came into a gradual understanding of what salvation really meant – that it could not be lost or revoked. The peace and grace offered unconditionally by a forgiving God changed my life. Since then, He has led me through rich times of sweet discovery, of painful refining, of clear direction, and of discipline in learning to discern His calling.

Christ is central to my life and I see my worldview through the lens of my faith. I believe in absolutes concerning God and how He would like for us to live, though I am also completely willing to allow for mystery and to acknowledge that there are some things that are completely beyond my understanding. My worldview is also heavily influenced by Micah 6:8 where we are told to “do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly before the Lord [our] God.” I believe that we are called to seek righteousness and to champion for justice where there is none. Yet, in light of the fact that God’s ways are not our own and that we have been spared the wrath that we deserve, we should act in a way that provides mercy for those whom we might otherwise be quick to judge.

My view of the grace given me has led me to Christian service. Starting in high school, I went on short-term mission trips ranging from building houses in Mexico, to leading VBS in Canada, to evangelizing door-to-door for the purpose of church planting in India. I served on the servant leadership team in the college group at the church I attend. After graduating college, I stayed in the college group as a Growth Group leader for two years and as a volunteer staff member for one. Last year, I was privileged to go on a compassion trip to a Muslim country in North Africa for the purpose of loving the lost like Christ would.

I believe that my gifts and callings for ministry have to do with the arts, the (irresistible call of the) beauty of God, a love for teaching, and an interest in a more holistic worship experience (for the benefit of the body to the glory of Christ).

Church is more than a building or an organization – it is family. I might not always like it, but I do love it. Attending a service stretches me beyond my preferences of style and the focus that I have on myself. It also gives me the reminder that I need of the Gospel – how quickly I forget!


B. Reflect on how attending Fuller Theological Seminary would complement your present Christian experience and/or help you to achieve your future professional and vocational goals.

Shortly after graduating college, I decided to leave my current church because I felt frustrated at the lack of service avenues for people with various artistic gifts. However, through “church hunting” I realized that the church I attended was a wonderful community, albeit flawed. I realized that the solution to “fixing” my frustrations with the church was not to leave it, but to work to make it better (which has also provided a good lesson regarding relationships).

I desire to help grow the church into a more holistic worship setting – helping others to create a space where those with various gifts can serve and benefit those in the worship service by offering them an experience of God’s beauty and truth on a multi-sensory aesthetic level. Past this general idea, I am not sure how to begin. When I posed this question to a college professor, he directed me towards attending Fuller. The encouragement of my college pastor and results from personal research have given me further affirmation in trying to discern God’s calling on my life – leading me towards attending grad school for His glory and my growth.

I am excited about the ecumenical environment that Fuller offers and I hope to learn about Christian traditions that are different from my own. Through the fusion of what I learn to what I already know, I hope to help create “out of the box” worship experiences that still maintain the integrity of the tradition that I come from. I want to pursue a Masters of Divinity with an emphasis in Worship Arts Theology because I want to know more about the practical execution of arts in the context of ministry and because I am irresistibly drawn to the beauty of God. I am excited about the Brehm center for arts and hope it will spark ideas that are beyond my current understanding and imagination. I am looking to be stretched, challenged, encouraged, and inspired within the context of and purpose for pointing to Christ (the ultimate beauty).

My vocational goals include working in the ministry to more holistically incorporate the arts in worship. I would also like to teach at a college level about the theology of beauty. A Masters of Divinity from Fuller would give me both the practical knowledge needed for hands-on working in the church and set me up academically to pursue a Ph.D. in order to teach college courses. I believe that the theology of beauty needs to be taught because we are losing sight of it in our modern culture. My concern is that if we lose sight of Beauty then Goodness and Truth may soon share the same fate as society deems them “unnecessary.” I want to help direct Christians to champion for the cause of Beauty so that they are led closer to the heart of God – giving life and protecting us from falling into moralism (the corruption of what is good) or legalism (the corruption of what is true).

My heart is a well, so dig deeper.

It never stays the same and at the end of it, someone is always left alone. There are no exceptions. Somehow, we missed beyond the point of "they lived happily ever after" to the reality of when "they" no longer lived. One heart stops and another heart breaks.

In the face of pain and loss, why do we then bother? Why do we willingly sign up for what will inevitably cause us pain? I suppose that the answer is "because it's worth it."

We have two choices before us: we can either live for something greater than ourselves, or we can live a mundane, "safe" life - never risking for greatness for fear of getting hurt. Yet, pain is inescapable - it is a byproduct of living in this fallen world.

I've referenced this quote before, but it's one of my favorites: Mother Theresa said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” To love is to be stretched outside of yourself to the point of pain. But pain is the price we pay to leave a legacy.

To have loved means to say, "I have been a part of something greater than myself. I have died and continue to die to myself for it. I have grown, and I have hurt. I have cried and burned. And I continue because it is worth it."

We were made for love - to love and to be loved. It reflects the Divine in whose image we were created. When we love we are alive.

We have the choice of pain before us: play it safe and hide - protect the self at all costs and slowly curve inward over the years, becoming more bent in our selfish loneliness; or learn to love - vulnerably open up the heart to something bigger than yourself and allow the pain to expand your heart so that you become more able to love than you were before.

Perhaps, at the end of our relatively short lives, one of the best things that could be said about us is, "they loved well."

Real quick-like before I go to bed.

This may be silly, but I love Dictionary.com - seriously. I love that it acts as kind of the ultimate spell-check and that it's attached to a thesaurus. Combined with UrbanDictionary.com, unknown words and terms don't really stand a chance at maintaining their aura of mystery.

I've also found it to be a pretty simple site to visit when checking to see if my internet is working. I guess it's the lack of whistles and buzzers, but it loads (or doesn't) really quickly. At any rate, I found a link to this dictionary blog about cicadas a few moments ago.

...In reading the article, it brought back memories of how at my high school graduation the valedictorian made a speech (which I mostly couldn't hear because of the poor sound quality) wherein she compared us as the graduating class to those miraculous, amazing...insects. It made me giggle.

And that's the point.