Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"It's never exactly the way you plan"

(Shout-out to my friend, Ruthie, since I'm quoting her in my subject heading. I thought that her statement was a beautifully simple reminder of what I often forget.)

I think sometimes I don't realize how much I try to control my life. Even in areas that I am mostly unaware, I have expectations.

"I will move out and it will be like this."

"I will date this way.
...and he will be like this...
and it will be like this."

"I will go to grad school and it will be like this."

I feel like there is so much to write. So much has happened over the past month (and in the months extending before that).

In moving out, I faced loneliness...but God was there and He gently revealed to me some of the "stuff" swirling around in my heart. During a week of not knowing anybody, feeling far from friends and family, not yet having a roommate, and *gasp* no internet - all I had was my Bible. Even then, I found ways to distract myself, but I sensed that God was truly with me in my move and in my time of being alone. The time was painful yet...holy.

Relationships have left me confused, wondering, and excited as I see God's work and healing. Uncertainty has had me in - I dare not say "constant" because I am not that faithful, but "constant" is the word I lean toward - conversation with my Heavenly Father. Aside from my repeated question of, "God, what do you want me to do?" I have learned to explore (and question) presuppositions I had of, "Good Christians do this (or don't do this)." God has led me through questioning the concept of what it means to be a "good Christian" and where I came up with the concept that it was so important for me to strive toward being one...whatever one was.

Although I feel like the answer may be obvious to some, I'm learning in whole new ways that what God desires of me (and the rest of us)  is not that I/we be "good," but rather that I/we enter into authentic relationship with Him. I'm reminded of David. He committed adultery and murder (so scratch being "good" off the list), yet his heart was one after pursuing God's. I believe it was the relationship that he had with God that left him convicted and repentant over his sins. Perhaps the moral could be summed up as, "Come as you are, not as you think you ought to be, and I will work in you."

I'm not sure what I expected of grad school (or of the community here). However, even those subconscious thoughts (and perhaps fears) are being confronted as I meet people and start classes. God has truly blessed me with an amazing, authentic group of individuals. I heard one person describe it as, "It's not like undergrad. You  have to knock if you want to get community. However, when you knock, it's always there - waiting for you." I am blessed to be surrounded by such authentic, open, curious people - all of us curious regarding the direction in which God is leading us.

During my time in preparing to come and in being here, I have seen God bless me and provide for me physically, relationally, emotionally...and pretty much entirely in ways that I never expected. What a trip.

So, Ruthie (even with the pain), amen again: "It's never exactly the way you plan." And thank God for that.