Slide

It seems I'm right at where I was before I left for North Africa...before I even knew I was going to North Africa...falling right into the pattern of self-complacency that I found myself so very entrenched in back in January.

A month after returning home and the pain and confusion (from processing the trip, missing a country that isn't really my home, and losing my grandpa) is finally easing up and what do I do? I return to my old habits of simply coasting. It's like I turn on the cruise control and tell God that I'll "get back to Him later...when I have time." And then I justify or ease my guilt by telling myself, "He's my Abba. He loves me. He understands." (And He does, but that doesn't make my behavior "okay.")

Ugh. I disgust myself. And it breaks my heart. I pray that He won't let me get away from Him - and if it takes more heartache to be in a place where I realize my absolute dependence on Him...well, that's not something I'd wish for - but so be it.

We sang a song tonight in church that was so appropriate. "In the Light" by DC Talk:

(Verse 1)
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

(Chorus)
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light

(Verse 2)
The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer that's fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
Honesty becomes me - there's nothing left to lose
The secrets that did run me - in Your presence are diffused
Pride has no position - and riches have no worth
The fame that once did cover me - has been sentenced to this earth
Has been sentenced to this earth

Tell me what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

I wanna be in the light
As You are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my Salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light

* * *

Abba-Father, I need you now just as much as ever.