"Be careful, be careful, be careful. Always be careful."
"Never trust too quickly."
"Love like that isn't real."
It's an amazing thing, holding in your hand and in your heart that for which and for whom you've always wished and prayed - but never believed to be real. Love like that was in the fairy tales which moved my heart. Love like that was for other Christians or just other people in general, but not for me because I wasn't ______ enough. I had determined that my path was to be one of heart ache. And I didn't know why, but I had accepted it; determined to find the beauty there so that I could learn from my pain and comfort others who also found themselves in it.
I've grown up, my life shaped by watching the breaking of relationships and hearts. I was always told as the moral of the story of my parent's divorce, "Be careful who you choose."
Almost every relationship prior, I've been terrified at the outset of him leaving. I'm not afraid of that anymore. I'm really more afraid that one day I'll wake up like Cinderella after the clock struck midnight - with all the magical, wonderful, lovely things gone - and a return to my soot and broken pumpkin instead. I keep waiting for my clock to strike midnight because this seems too good to be true.
And then I am reminded in Scripture where God tells us that He is a God who gives good gifts. And I can't think of a better gift than a man who teaches me about the love of God in his pursuit of me. I am learning about how Christ loves the Church, how God loves Israel, how the Holy Spirit works in the hearts of men and women; in the way that he chases after my heart each day - beginning every morning when I wake up.
And I am so grateful.
Here is a man who speaks the language of my heart. And he doesn't shout it at me. He waits patiently and whispers and coaxes - like a horse whisperer. I am not afraid when my heart is with him. Lord knows I've tried pushing him away - flashing the "I believe in _______" card that so often pushes men away. But instead of standing rigid against me or saying, "Well, I don't - so bye," he replies, "I'm cool with that," and then I know that I am safe to actually talk about it with him.
He says he's not eloquent, but he writes me the most beautiful love messages.
He says he's not eloquent, but he writes me the most beautiful love messages.
This man is a gift in my life. And he teaches me patience even as I make him wait. "Not yet," is becoming a phrase that I am learning to not resist or push against. Instead, I am joyfully waiting for when the time becomes "Okay...Now." I don't have to worry about fighting with him for my rights or my dignity as a human being. I don't have to worry about him trying to put me in a place where I am something for him to show off or otherwise follow around in his shadow. Here is a man, instead, who wants to partner with me; who wants to dance with me; who wants to adventure with me.
I now legitimately understand how and why people write love songs.
And I want to shout it from the rooftops: I've found him!
I've finally found him!
God has finally brought "the one!"
I've found him!
But I am learning also that some good things are best kept close to the heart and treasured before being announced. Now is not the time for proclamation. Now is the time for quiet breathing and for storing things into my heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I started writing the above blog about a month ago, but I didn't publish it because I sensed that "Now" was not the right time.
It's amazing what can happen in a few weeks.
It's amazing how the fairytale can flip. In place of the dream-come-true is a void: a nightmare. And the nightmare is true. And just when you don't think it can get any worse - just when you think you can't feel any more pain than you already do...it does, and you do.
I'm not going to list details or tell any stories, but I will say that what little hope I had yesterday ended with hyperventilating, sobbing, uncontrollable shaking, and freezing up. Last night, my stress culminated and I threw up before going to bed - losing what little food I had been able to stomach eating. (I think that having to scoop one's own vomit out of the sink is a special kind of low, by the way.)
But the Holy Spirit is gracious to me - was a source of comfort even then - bringing a God-given numbness (a sense of peace, calm, and exhaustion) when my body went into shock (the first time), and finally bringing me sleep when I made it into my bed after losing my dinner.
I woke up today not wanting to move, wanting to spend the rest of my life curled up on the couch with my cat. But God, the Creator of the universe and the Creator of my heart, knows how to hold me. And He will bring me healing.
I have friends who knew I needed to get out of my apartment today. And although my heart is still aching, my body feels numb and weak, and I feel the threat of tears burning behind my eyes - I feel better.
I have clarity now.
As friends for two years, as someone who'd known the brutal beating that my heart has repeatedly taken over the past two years - he knew that I was vulnerable. He knew that my heart was fragile. I told him to take it slow. I tried so hard to do the right thing - to protect and guard my heart. I tried to be wise. I reminded him. I tried.
But he didn't listen. He went after what he wanted. And I fell for him. Hard.
He may have felt love for me. I won't deny that. But, as I learned in acting, feeling isn't enough - you have to do it. And his actions were not and continue to prove that they are not loving towards me. In the end, sweet words and love songs weren't enough either.
He promised me the world. He spoke my heart's language. But his poor, foolish choices have led him in a different direction than where he indicated that he and I would go - chosing to "do the right thing" by another woman and leaving me in the cold. I don't see that doing right by me and doing right by her would be mutually exclusive, but he has made his choice. He has a bill to pay for his previous choices. And I will not be the one to cover the cost.
I am thankful. Thank God he was geographically far away so that he was not able to take anything more from me other than my heart (as if that was a small prize). And thank God that I got out sooner than later - because I cannot imagine the amount of devastation I'd feel if he and I had progressed with a relationship further than what we had started. I literally cannot imagine - because the devastation that I feel now is borderline overwhelming.
I went to bed last night feeling like my heart had been repeatedly stabbed and then ripped out, leaving a giant cavity in my body where my guts had once been. I felt like I was covered in my own blood...and drowning in it.
On one hand, I feel very much like the victim - targeted as a prize. (This blog on the concept of dating as a form of hunting is really thoughtful.) He asked me for forever before he was sure that he was able to offer me the same. But I am also a survivor. At least: I will be.
Because, when it comes down to it (verb-wise) he did not love me. He went after pleasing himself. He did not fight for me, or respect me...or (ultimately) treasure me. He KNEW that I was so very vulnerable, and he was not careful with my heart. Intentions mean very little when compared with actual actions.
And this hurts. This hurts like hell. My heart has been fully broken. But I will heal. I am already starting to heal. Each breath that I take is a grace - is a breath towards restoration. I am not okay, but I will be.
I firmly and fully believe that. That's why I am writing.
I know what lesson to have taken out of this: I need a man who will listen to me and respect me - acting in love to put the well-being of my heart before his own wants...
And now I have finals to go work on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I started writing the above blog about a month ago, but I didn't publish it because I sensed that "Now" was not the right time.
It's amazing what can happen in a few weeks.
It's amazing how the fairytale can flip. In place of the dream-come-true is a void: a nightmare. And the nightmare is true. And just when you don't think it can get any worse - just when you think you can't feel any more pain than you already do...it does, and you do.
I'm not going to list details or tell any stories, but I will say that what little hope I had yesterday ended with hyperventilating, sobbing, uncontrollable shaking, and freezing up. Last night, my stress culminated and I threw up before going to bed - losing what little food I had been able to stomach eating. (I think that having to scoop one's own vomit out of the sink is a special kind of low, by the way.)
But the Holy Spirit is gracious to me - was a source of comfort even then - bringing a God-given numbness (a sense of peace, calm, and exhaustion) when my body went into shock (the first time), and finally bringing me sleep when I made it into my bed after losing my dinner.
I woke up today not wanting to move, wanting to spend the rest of my life curled up on the couch with my cat. But God, the Creator of the universe and the Creator of my heart, knows how to hold me. And He will bring me healing.
I have friends who knew I needed to get out of my apartment today. And although my heart is still aching, my body feels numb and weak, and I feel the threat of tears burning behind my eyes - I feel better.
I have clarity now.
As friends for two years, as someone who'd known the brutal beating that my heart has repeatedly taken over the past two years - he knew that I was vulnerable. He knew that my heart was fragile. I told him to take it slow. I tried so hard to do the right thing - to protect and guard my heart. I tried to be wise. I reminded him. I tried.
But he didn't listen. He went after what he wanted. And I fell for him. Hard.
He may have felt love for me. I won't deny that. But, as I learned in acting, feeling isn't enough - you have to do it. And his actions were not and continue to prove that they are not loving towards me. In the end, sweet words and love songs weren't enough either.
He promised me the world. He spoke my heart's language. But his poor, foolish choices have led him in a different direction than where he indicated that he and I would go - chosing to "do the right thing" by another woman and leaving me in the cold. I don't see that doing right by me and doing right by her would be mutually exclusive, but he has made his choice. He has a bill to pay for his previous choices. And I will not be the one to cover the cost.
I am thankful. Thank God he was geographically far away so that he was not able to take anything more from me other than my heart (as if that was a small prize). And thank God that I got out sooner than later - because I cannot imagine the amount of devastation I'd feel if he and I had progressed with a relationship further than what we had started. I literally cannot imagine - because the devastation that I feel now is borderline overwhelming.
I went to bed last night feeling like my heart had been repeatedly stabbed and then ripped out, leaving a giant cavity in my body where my guts had once been. I felt like I was covered in my own blood...and drowning in it.
On one hand, I feel very much like the victim - targeted as a prize. (This blog on the concept of dating as a form of hunting is really thoughtful.) He asked me for forever before he was sure that he was able to offer me the same. But I am also a survivor. At least: I will be.
Because, when it comes down to it (verb-wise) he did not love me. He went after pleasing himself. He did not fight for me, or respect me...or (ultimately) treasure me. He KNEW that I was so very vulnerable, and he was not careful with my heart. Intentions mean very little when compared with actual actions.
And this hurts. This hurts like hell. My heart has been fully broken. But I will heal. I am already starting to heal. Each breath that I take is a grace - is a breath towards restoration. I am not okay, but I will be.
I firmly and fully believe that. That's why I am writing.
I know what lesson to have taken out of this: I need a man who will listen to me and respect me - acting in love to put the well-being of my heart before his own wants...
And now I have finals to go work on.
No comments:
Post a Comment